Jogging Shorts

Tomorrow is D-Day. John and I will determine which of us has drawn the closest to 200. I fear he’s winning by a few pounds. My confidence was shaken this morning when he told me his shorts fell off while he was jogging on the treadmill. Well, well, well. Don’t you wish you had a video of that?

Health update. Caleb and Lilly Ruth are doing well. My assistant Angie is better. She was able to walk from one room to another yesterday for the first time.

Humor helps. Final National Oatmeal Month thoughts. To celebrate oats, some Americans (I’d like to meet one) will choose to create a home made oatmeal bath (you’ve got to be kidding) by grinding oats in a food processor and then steaming it in a warm bath (I am not making this up). The moisturizing, soothing effect is remarkably enjoyable. It helps relieve symptoms of almost any skin disorder, including excessively winter dry skin (that’s the clincher for me. I’m in.). As National Oatmeal Month closes, take a moment to meditate on personal health. Think of yourself, and then while you’re at it, donate some oats to a local food shelter, thereby providing the gift of healthy living to those less fortunate. (Wow. I never knew oats could be a humanitarian item. I am deeply touched. A tear is lingering on my cheek. Just kidding. Pardon my cynicism.)

Around the World

Last night I moved from China to India to Puerto Vallarta MX and to Senegal West Africa in two hours. Tonight I will traverse the world. In the morning I will journey to Idaho, Saltillo MX, Chicago, and Rockaway Beach MO. I will do all this traveling, yet never change my location. It’s all taking place within the walls of Second Baptist Church this weekend. I love our Global Impact Celebration.

In all the bad weather this week, we’ve had only one injury, as far as we know. My faithful and much respected Assistant, Angie, fell Monday afternoon on the ice and wrenched the muscle that connects her hipbone to her leg bone. She has been in a lot of pain. Healing is going to take a while. We miss her. She and I have been laboring side by side for thirteen years. Please pray for her. Thank you.

Humor helps. Reasons to eat oats in National Oats Month. Its natural nutty flavor (huh?). It contains fiber, vitamins, and minerals. Quaker Oats needs your money (I made this one up). Significant health benefits. Soft (easy on teeth). Improves cholesterol levels. (That’s about it, as best I can tell.)

Snow and Worship

I’m experiencing an amazing thing. In a blizzard, hundreds of Missouri Baptists are continuing to attend the Evangelism Conference. All I can figure is, once they arrived in town, and checked into hotels, they couldn’t leave Springfield, and decided to attend the conference rather than sit in their rooms. The music is great, the preaching is heavenly. I’m to pinch hit for a preacher who can’t make it into town due to ice. I have a sermon ready to go. Have I mentioned I love to preach?

Caleb and Lilly Ruth are better today, but not completely out of the woods. Thanks for continuing to pray.

The weather is not going to dampen our missions weekend coming up. We will meet on Thursday night as planned and continue through Sunday morning.

Humor helps. A National Oats Month idea. For your children, make oatmeal clay: 1 cup oatmeal, half-cup flour, half-cup water. Children can mold the knobby (huh?) clay into shapes. Let the artwork dry, then it can be painted. (We could paint it to look like a banana split or a chocolate chip cookie. Maybe this would make oats more palatable.)

Missouri Evangelism

Everywhere I look, I see Missouri Baptists. They are all over our building for our annual MBC Evangelism Conference. Nationally known speakers are heading this way: Thom Rainer, Joe White, Steve Hale, Jennifer Kennedy Dean, plus others. If the weather turns nasty, and someone can’t make it, yours truly is the substitute preacher. I have a sermon in my Bible ready to go. I know that surprises you.

Please pray for our family. Lilly Ruth continues to battle croup. She’s so petite and pretty. It hurts me to see her hurting. Caleb continues to feel discomfort in his side. It makes me sad to see my lively grandson lethargic.

Missions is the agenda this week. Please set aside this coming weekend to take part in the festivities. Also ask God to deal with you directly about missions.

Humor helps. A National Oatmeal Month tip. For day trips, pack an oatmeal poultice. Put oatmeal in an old clean sock for the travel kit. When rash strikes or insects bite, soak the oatmeal sock in water. Apply as a cooling pack to provide relief. Repeat as needed. Take along oatmeal cookies, take a well-earned cookie break, and celebrate National Oatmeal Month. (No, I’m not making this up; it was downloaded off an internet site devoted to the promotion of oats. No kidding.)

$25,000 for Victory Mission

I’m not preaching today at all. I feel useless, numb, unwanted, uncared for. Other than that, I’m fired up for church. Our long awaited annual Global Impact Celebration will end next Sunday after a week of missions revelry.

John and I are in the last week of our race to 200. He’s winning. I believe I can pass him if I eat or drink nothing for the next seven days.

Lilly Ruth had to be taken to Urgent Care yesterday. Croop caused her oxygen level to drop. She’s still struggling this morning. Thanks for praying. Caleb is better, suffering only a little discomfort after passing the kidney stone this week.

I awoke to an email from Dick and Ginny Haymes telling me the garage sale at Remingtons raised over $25,000 to bless the homeless through Victory Mission. Over 250 of our Second Baptist people helped. Way to go.

Humor helps. National Oats Month info. Treat poison oak with an oatmeal paste. Apply it liberally on the rash and leave it for twenty minutes. Folklore says, as the oatmeal dries, it absorbs oils that make the poison itch and spread. Peel (lick?) off the paste and wash the affected area gently.

Sidelined Preacher

I’ve been to Remingtons. Springfieldians love garage sales. Hundreds of people have come to Remingtons these last two days. Thousands of dollars have been raised for Victory Mission to help the homeless. Congratulations to Jim Harriger, Ginny Haymes, and the army of helpers who made it happen. I’m proud of you.

Ben and I are not preaching tomorrow. I feel like a fish out of water. Gordon Fort, Vice-President at the International Mission Board, will be our featured speaker tomorrow, the first Sunday of this year’s Global Impact Celebration.

Last night Ruth and I attended a banquet here at church honoring our twelve local Springfield missions partners. We laughed, rejoiced, remembered, and thanked God. Our whole service tomorrow night will be devoted to interviewing these local missions partners. These co-laborers are dear friends of Second.

Humor helps. More oatmeal month info. Pamper dogs with oatmeal shampoo. Allergic dogs can bite their paws and rip out fur to attack inflamed skin. Oatmeal shampoo reduces inflammation, and eases itchy skin, irritated skin, hot spots, and insect bites. Yep, I have visions now of Ruth scrubbing and rubbing Jake (Jacob) and Millie (Millicent) with oats. More good use for leftover oats.

Gargantuan Garage Sale

Ruth is working today and tomorrow at Remingtons for the Victory Mission garage sale. I decided I would take her a milkshake and see how sale plans were progressing. When I walked in, the sight took my breath away. It looks like a Wal-mart in there. No kidding. I’ve never in my whole life seen that much stuff voluntarily donated in one place. If you want it, I think we probably have it at Remingtons. The garage sale is tomorrow, 7 a.m. till 3 p.m. Bargains will be the theme of the day. Victory Mission and the homeless will be the beneficiaries.

Last night all the grandchildren came over. Heaven. As Ian was kissing his mom’s hand, he asked, “Momma, why do mommas like kisses so much?” That will make your heart melt. I knew I had been spending too much time at church lately when Ruth asked me where the remote was, and instead of saying on the coffee table, I said on the Lord’s Supper table. Not good.

Humor helps. National Oatmeal Month ideas. No kidding. Cleanse skin with an oatmeal scrub. It’s a natural way to get rid of dead skin cells and exfoliate (huh?) hands and face. The oatmeal relieves itchy skin and protects against dryness. (Now my son will know what to do with the last bites of oatmeal he can’t force himself to swallow. He can rub them on his face.)

A Goliath Day

We spent yesterday morning at urgent care with Caleb. He passed a kidney stone. I don’t remember ever seeing anyone in that much agony. A grandpa’s heart was not made for moments like this. Even last night I was still trying to recoup emotionally. Like Goliath, my day was dominated by a stone.

John burned his hand taking oats out of the microwave. He started hopping and singing Elvis, “Hunka hunka hunka burning oats!!” No kidding. It happened.

One of our church moms was trying to change her baby’s diaper. She said, “Is it possible for me to change your diaper without you throwing a fit?” Three-year-old brother immediately quipped, “Anything is possible with God.” Hurray. Sunday School teachers, you are getting through. Keep it up.

Humor helps. What can non-coffee drinkers do with coffee filters? Cover bowls or dishes when cooking in the microwave. Clean windows; the filters are lint-free and leave glass sparkling. A coffee filter in a cast-iron skillet absorbs moisture and prevents rust. Put at the bottom of a plant pot, they keep soil from leaking out.

$6 million per minute

My fire bucket and I are back from Arkansas. Wow! FBC Alma AR is one excited church when it comes to missions. They were on fire, I was ablaze, the mix was absolutely combustible. I love preaching about missions.

Super Bowl ads are selling for $3 million per 30-second spot. Despite the current recession, 90% of the available slots have sold. For $3 million, I would consider letting someone do a 30-second commercial in the middle of one of my sermons. Just kidding (I think).

My three-year-old grandson Ian has become quite the theologian of late. While watching Tom and Jerry, Ian said, “Tom is not obeying God because he’s a bad cat.” Later, Ian observed, “Well, Tom is obeying God because he’s happy.” Profound.

Humor helps. Actual pilot/mechanic interchanges. Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Mechanic: Almost replaced left inside main tire. Pilot: Something loose in cockpit. Mechanic: Something tightened in cockpit. Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield. Mechanic: Live bugs on back-order.

One Excited Preacher

I’m ready to preach. I am excited. This morning I preach in Missouri on missions. Tonight in Arkansas I preach on missions. Does anyone know of a church in Oklahoma that would like to have a sermon preached this afternoon on missions?

As I was leaving home, John was running full speed on the treadmill downstairs. Did I ever run? I had to stop a moment to contemplate the thought. Yes, in fact I did at one time run. I actually set our high school record for the 600 yard run. I also did high hurdles in track. That was long long ago in a land far far away.

Each ticking of the clock brings us closer to our Global Impact Celebration, which begins next Sunday. Are you praying? Are you giving? Are you willing to go?

Humor helps. Double meaning headlines. Drunk gets nine months in violin case (close quarters). Iraqi head seeks arms (they would be helpful). British left waffles on Falkland Islands (I bet that was tasty).

Impartial Observations

Grand grandkids, I kid you not, are what I have. Caleb received straight A’s at Grace Classical Academy, Sam is doing well, Ian received rave reviews at his parent/teacher conference, Lilly Ruth is perfect. This update is brought to you by a totally impartial observer.

Can you imagine the problems inherent in trying to maintain a double identity, one of each being a secret to all others? Lois Lane loved Superman, but ridiculed Clark Kent. Lana Lang preferred Clark Kent over Superman. Both those ladies were headed for a rude awakening. I can relate to their danger.

I have learned Jake and Millie are not really Jake and Millie. Jake is actually Jacob. Millie is really Millicent. Milli–what!! Research has taught me Millicent was an elephant popular in children’s literature. This means the two dogs who took over my back yard and became the stars of this blog have a clandestine existence. One is named for a Bible hero, the other for an elephant. Neither seems to be hurt or seized by guilt over the fact they led me astray for a whole year.

A Slow Tortoise

John and I are still racing to 200. Remember my mentioning the tortoise and the hare? How slow can a tortoise go and still be considered moving? I have become so desperate that I almost had oats for breakfast this morning. I settled on a bowl of Honey Scooters and an orange. Yesterday I had two kosher dill pickles, several cherub tomatoes, and a helping of salsa. As the day progressed I noticed I was having a bit of trouble with an acid stomach. Four Tums took care of the problem.

Speaking of oats, my brother called yesterday morning to tell me a sacrilege had been committed in his house. He said Mom, who has eaten plain oats probably every morning for about 70 years, had come home from the grocery store with a packet of instant oats, seasoned with flavoring. Charles said he almost fainted.

All nine of us were at the house for chili turkey hot dogs last night. We also had some red beans and rice. We all laughed a lot. Family is a blessing.

Humor helps. Caleb and I are talking about building some type of structure at our new door in order to let Jake and Millie return to their perch on the deck. The only problem is, everything we think of that would let the dogs return, would also make it impossible for the door to open. We fear Ruth would veto this.

Cold Winds

We decorated Jana’s grave yesterday. Winds were too strong and cold for us to stay long. God continues to undergird us every day. Thank you for your prayers.

John had trouble with his oats this morning. He kept chewing. Finally, after he swallowed, he said, “Now I know why horses chew all the time.” Another great oats quote has been birthed.

John and I are still racing to see who can get their weight down to 200 first. I’m at 212; he’s at 205. Ah hah! I have him right where I want him. Overconfidence will be his undoing. The story of the tortoise and the hare is about to be re-enacted in our lives.

Humor helps. The gate is still in place. Ruthie’s resolve seems unflappable in this case. I feel sorry for Jake and Millie. I fear they will slip into boredom. I should go play catch with them, but I recoil at the thought of picking up a slobbery, slimy tennis ball. For $10 I can buy a telescoping arm that will pick up tennis balls I might throw for them to fetch. It comes with mint flavored tennis balls to freshen Jake and Millie’s breath. I’ve never gotten close enough to know if their breath needs help or not, but a little freshener couldn’t hurt.

It's Been A Year

Jana, we miss you.

Last Night's Collage

The grandchildren were wonderful last night. A montage. Caleb, age 12, focused on his cello and the laptop. Sam, age 9, focused on his DVDs and Granny Smith apples. Ian, age 3, focused on his Super Hero toys and cookies Caleb baked. Lilly Ruth, age 1, focused on what the older boys were doing and trying to imitate them. Ruth focused on the children, and every once in a while saying to me, “We are blessed, Grandpa.” I agree.

The new expensive door has been installed. The gate to keep Jake and Millie at a distance is in place. Even Caleb is impressed with Ruth’s resolve thus far.

I’ll be editing sermons much of today, including the one I’m preparing for the Southern Baptist Convention coming up this June in Louisville. Pray for me.

Humor helps. Attainable New Years Resolutions. I will use my intuition to make up for my lack of judgment. I will celebrate my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all. I will not be as judgmental as all those self-righteous people I hear about. I will be willing to make mistakes; someone else will learn from them.

Tebow Won

Florida rules the roost. Their quarterback, Tebow, took charge, according to the news reports. When I went to bed at halftime, the score was tied. Tebow seems to have an outstanding Christian witness. He’s not only a football champion, but also a champion for Jesus. May his tribe increase.

I’m still wrestling with Sunday morning’s sermon. I will continue my discussion of how intertwined missions and prayer are. Media and powerpoint deadlines are breathing down my neck. Pray.

Ruth and I are babysitting all the grandchildren tonight. Life is good. The new expensive door will be installed today. We’ll see if compassionate, gentle, loving, softhearted Ruth will actually be able to put up a gate to keep the dogs away.

Humor helps. I should buy dog toys to comfort Jake and Millie in their being fenced out. Hide N Seek Toys increase dog intelligence for only $13. This might help when they have to take the SAT. Terry Toys are plush and lovable ($5). The dogs could use the love right now. Eco Ally Toys are environmentally helpful ($3). When I survey what Jake and Millie do to my backyard, the last thing I think of is environmentally helpful. Wait a minute!! It is all natural, come to think of it.

Dogs and Doors

The national championship game is tonight. I’m rooting for our neighbor, Oklahoma, but fear Florida will be too fast and too strong defensively to be beat. My goal is to make it to halftime. That’s about all I can do. My bedtime is 9:00.

We’re having to have a new back door put in. The old one is worn out and wasting away. The new door had to be custom made to fit. Expensive. Jake and Millie love to stand on their hind legs and paw on the back door. I asked Ruth if this custom would continue once we had the new expensive door put in. She said, “Of course not.” Wow. I didn’t know Jake and Millie understood the difference between an expensive door and the old worn out one.

Ruth is a wonder worker, able to do anything she puts her mind to. But for the life of me I could not figure out how she would convince Jake and Millie to leave her new expensive door alone. Curiosity finally overwhelmed me. This morning I asked how she planned to protect her new expensive door. She said she was going to put a gate at the top of the steps to keep Jake and Millie off the deck. What? No magic, no winning them over, no trying to convince them, no appeals to their better natures, no wooing them with extra treats? Just a gate. Two things about this sadden me. One, it demeans Jake and Millie. Two, I wish I had thought of it.

Oats the Albatross

John is having trouble with his oats regimen. This morning I could tell he was not doing well. His cheeks were puffed out, he was chewing hard. He saw me staring at him and said, “If I use a bigger spoon I can take fewer bites. It’s a mind game I play with myself.” I fear oats will soon go the way of the albatross.

We had all the family over last night for supper and to play Rock Band. What a hoot. The noise level is awful, but the fun is wild and hilarious. Ian calls his new refrigerator a frigulator. While rock music wafted through our house last night, he sang into a microphone with all his might, “Home the herald angels sing!!” He bows perfectly when we applaud. Oh what a ham. Where does he get that from?

It’s Wednesday. That means I have two days of work waiting for me on my desk. I haven’t looked at the heap yet. It’s too depressing.

Humor helps. Obtainable New Years Resolutions. In 2009 I will let my imagination soar into ever higher levels of paranoia. I will assume responsibility for my actions, except for those that are someone else’s fault. I will encourage myself by remembering, what I do would be considered normal in some cultures.

Good Yet Bad

I weigh 212.6 today. I gained only 2.6 pounds over the holidays. Considering the national average is about 6 pounds, I did good. I did bad, though, when I remember I’m trying to move toward 200, not 300. By the way, my son has passed me in the race. He’s down to 210.2. Depressing for me. Exciting for him.

I think we are ready for church. I’ve already been out in the auditorium going over last minute details with Randy Moore, Robert Pitts, and Ashleigh Kalwat. Our media and music departments, as always, are ready to go. We couldn’t have church without them. I’m ready to preach. I have a sermon burning in my soul that wants out.

Humor helps. Stunning news. Hard to believe. You can buy for your dogs a nutritional supplement containing yucca extract that eliminates the bad effects pet waste has on your lawn. One hundred pills costs only $12. This sounds too good to be true. Let me make sure I understand. If Jake and Millie eat yucca, my yard will be less yucky. If this is true, it is an invention second only to Edison’s lightbulb in importance.

Keeter Center

Ruth and I just returned from two nights at the Keeter Center on the College of the Ozarks campus in Branson. I’m always impressed whenever I visit Hard Work University. Hundreds of students who could not have afforded a college degree otherwise have been unspeakably blessed by working their way through C of O.

When three-year-old Ian was told his dad had to return to work yesterday, he said, “Daddy, I will miss you very, very hard.” One of the most precious moments of the holidays happened when Ian and Lilly Ruth stayed overnight with us. When Lilly Ruth started fussing, Ian kept repeating, “I’m here, Lilly. It’s okay. It’s allright. I’m here.” I thought I would melt into a puddle of sentimentality.

I edited 7 sermons while away, 5 in John 13, 2 in Luke 11. I finished a biography of William Carey, and got halfway through a bio of David Livingstone.

Humor helps. Duh. A man kidnapped a driver and forced him to drive to two ATM machines. Both times the kidnapper withdrew money from his own bank account. A thief in Topeka demanded all the money in the cash drawer at a Kwik Shop. Disappointed at the amount, he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and arrested him.