Monday, March 30, 2009

Double Birthdays

Our family celebrates double birthdays today. Sam is 10 (double digits). Ian is 4 (a precious age). This morning John told Sam happy birthday. Sam said, “Happy birthday to you, light off please,” and rolled over. So much for holiday cheer.

Before church started last night I was enjoying the congregation’s laughter about my scalped scalp. Then I turned around and saw my sweet, quiet Ruth holding a microphone in her hand. I gasped. My first thought was, does she have a license to use that? Her “Mohawk” jab was a classic. Ruth and I are having a blast in life. After last night, I’ve made an executive decision. Rather than go into comedy alone, I’ve decided Ruth and I need to be a dynamic duo. We would be hilarious.

I have staff meetings this morning. After lunch I have to do some recordings for TV and radio spots about Easter. Pray the Lord will bless today.

Humor helps. Math humor. Four nickels equals two paradigms. Basic unit of laryngitis: one hoarsepower. Shortest distance between two jokes: a straight line (think about it). 453.6 graham crackers equals one pound cake. One long Sunday produces one tired Monday (I am living proof of this fact).

Saturday, March 28, 2009

I thought Uconn was in Alaska

Way to go, Mizzou. When I finish here at the office, I’m headed to watch the game at a friend’s house. I regret the fact they are playing maybe the best team in the USA, but am proud of the fact they made it to the Elite Eight, which by the way, I still think should be called the Great Eight, for rhyming, poetic reasons. But alas! No one asked my opinion.

My eye did okay yesterday. Thanks for praying. People think I make a living by preaching. Not so. My occupation is reading. The 25-minute voice-intensive sermons are merely the overflow and outcome of many hours spent in eye-intensive study.

Yesterday I had all four of my grandchildren in our van for the first time. What glorious chaos. Ruth was driving. I was in the far back seat, serving as monitor, emcee, and chief law enforcer. They were wonderful. Life is good.

Humor helps. What do retirees call a long lunch? Normal. What is the best way to describe retirement? Unending Coffee Break. Why do retirees enjoy going back to school? If they cut class, no one calls their parents.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Groveling on the Floor

The internet outage did not hurt me as bad as I thought it would. I crumpled to the floor in a fetal position only three times (just kidding). It was amazing to see how much of our work is done through cyberspace. We were at times twiddling our thumbs, looking for things to do. We cleaned out drawers that hadn’t been emptied in years. I almost made it through the whole stack of stuff on my desk.

The biggest downside to being incommunicado yesterday for me was, it threw me a day late on sermon preparation. I’m playing catch-up today. Pray for me.

My right eye has been hurting lately. I’m not sure what’s wrong. Pray it will not be a distraction to me today as I prepare the sermon.

Humor helps. What jet pilots think of helicopters. Anything that whirls its way into the sky flies according to unnatural principles. A helicopter flight is a bunch of spare parts flying in close formation. You never see old helicopters laying around an airport like you do old planes; there is a reason for this. Come to think of it, old helicopter pilots are rarely seen; not a good omen. Helicopter pilots are intense, ever ready in case a piece of something falls off.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Scalped Scalp

After two days of rest, I and my scalped scalp are back at work. Ruth took one look at my hair this morning and laughed out loud. She could barely contain her giggling as she re-combed it for me.

I am blogging at record speed this morning. In about 33 minutes our internet server is going down for repairs and updates. That means we will be incommunicado here at church for much of the day.

This power outage is not good for me. As you know, my name is John, and I am addicted to communicating. No internet, no blog, no email, no computer–I feel sweat popping out on my brow. My hands are clammy. My knees are weak. I can’t seem to stand on my own two feet. I’m all shook up. Sorry, Elvis.

Humor helps. Thoughts on being 57. If you’re only as old as you feel, how can I be alive at 150? They seem to be making adults much younger these days. I’m a walking storeroom of facts; I’ve just lost the key to the storeroom. I am still the life of the party; even if lasts till 8 p.m. I’ve become very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Stylin'

I got a haircut on Saturday. I showed up at church yesterday with the shortest hair I’ve had in years, maybe ever. I thought you might like to read some unsolicited comments I received from our church people.

You look younger the other way. Who gave you that butch? It looked like a Mohawk from the side. Your summer haircut. You had an appointment with a barber. I didn’t recognize you. Looks good. Looks hip. Stylin’. You got every hair cut. Two cuts for one price. I thought you got drafted. Takes 10 years off your life. Makes you look older. No curling iron needed on that doo. You found a barber. The lawn mower got loose. What happened to you?

The most memorable remark came from my grandson Caleb (age 12). “Grandpa, you needed a haircut. I was getting tired of your puffed-up hair. Grandpa, do you know why television preachers like fluffy hair? Because it gives them a place to stick their money.” Ouch.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Don't Die Again

Last night Ian (age 3) and Lilly Ruth (age 1) shared a hot cross bun at supper. After Nathan and Rebekah explained the significance of the cross, Ian ended his blessing with these words, “I remind you of the cross that you died on, and that’s sadly. And don’t do that again, okay, God?” Speaking of Ian, he will turn 4 next week. Sam will turn 10 the same day.

This afternoon I plan to head over to Greenlawn East for Ruth Shook’s viewing. She was a member of Second for 65 years. She and Bill were wed in our World War I building in January 1948. While visiting at their house the other day, I saw their wedding picture. They were standing in front of our current Lord’s Supper table. It’s a historic photo in more ways than one.

Pray for Ben as he preaches all three services this morning. I and everyone else will be blessed. Enjoy a safe, restful Family Night at Home this evening.

Humor helps. Retiree answers. How many days in a week? 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday. When is bedtime? 3 hours after I fall asleep on the couch. Why is it okay to call you a senior citizen? 10% discount. What do you consider formal attire? Tied shoes. What do you call someone who refused to retire? NUTS!

Saturday, March 21, 2009

The Amnesia Diet

Ruth and I slipped away for an overnighter to celebrate our anniversary. We went to a restaurant, ordered a nice meal, and ended up discovering a new weight loss idea. Trying to be careful, we put a lot of the meal in a to-go box. Back at the hotel, Ruth asked, “Where’s the leftover food?” “I thought you had it.” There you have it!! A new weight-loss idea. Fill a to-go box full and leave it at the restaurant.

I called Bob Roberts to say I was sorry this morning’s rain spoiled our church’s plans to work at our Victory Garden. Oh ye of little faith!! There were 18 hardy souls out there working in the mud and slush and you-know-what. Unbelievable.

I’m at church right now getting ready for tomorrow. I’ll be present, but Ben Pilgreen will preach all three services in the morning. I plan to take a few days off next week over Spring Break. I need the rest. Thanks for praying.

Humor helps. We mathematicians love math jokes. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi. A Won-ton is 2000 pounds of Chinese soup. The weight an evangelist carries with God: one billigram (think about it). 1000 aches and pains: one megahurtz. 365.25 days equals one unicycle.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Wed 38 Years

Ruth and I wed 38 years ago today. Our marriage truly is as good in private as it appears to be in public. We feel we were made for each other. I love her. I often tell her, “Ruth, I love you more today than I did yesterday, and yesterday was a record day.”

Yesterday afternoon Caleb started out the back door. I asked where he was going. “To bathe the dogs,” was his reply. Did he say to “bathe the dogs”? Do dogs get bathed? Doesn’t rainfall take care of that need? A few minutes later I saw Jake and Millie sunning themselves. They looked like shabby, mangy mutts that had accidentally stuck their paws in an electrical outlet. Oh well, at least we know that now they are clean Millie won’t return to her favorite resting spot in the dirt beneath the trampoline, and Jake won’t shed any more. Did I mention they have begun to shed hair again? Good grief.

Humor helps. Definitions. Coffee: the person upon whom one coughs. Flabbergasted: appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. Intaxication: euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Unanswerable: if Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Ben-Hur

I’ve been working on Ben-Hur this morning. Ben What!?! That’s right. Ben-Hur. As part of our Easter preaching emphasis, I’m going to focus on who Jesus is. To complement this theme, Second Act will present the stage version of General Lew Wallace’s famous novel, Ben-Hur, on Sunday night April 26. The story fictionally chronicles Wallace’s personal pilgrimage in his efforts to understand Jesus.

I try not to write about news items, but a Fox News article caught my eye. It listed the ten worst inventions of the past century. Three especially fascinated me.

One was the detachable dog sack. It would keep dog hairs out of my car by letting Jake and Millie ride outside it in a pouch attached with rubber-padded hooks to the open window of my vehicle. Wow. I wonder why that idea never went over well.

A second idea of idiocy was the cat wig. That’s right. A wig for felines. I saw a picture of a cat wearing one. It’s one of the ugliest sights I’ve ever seen.

Number three was my favorite. An anti-eating face mask, a metal cage that attaches to the face to keep those of us lacking self-control from eating solid food.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Quasquicentennial

All three grandsons were at the house overnight Monday. We slept well, but all of us woke up wired and alive before 7 a.m. Tuesday morning. We had already had a wild and crazy day before we ever left the house. What a hootenanny. (There’s a word no one uses any more. Try looking it up. Hint: Google is your best bet.)

I just arrived in the office after having my six-month stress echo running on the treadmill test. I did way better than does the average person my age, including both heart patients and non-heart patients. Hurray for me.

Quasquicentennial. I’ve not yet found anyone who has ever heard the term before. I love to pull stuff like this on people. I have done more research on the derivation of the term. Quasqui is Latin for one and a fourth. Thus, if it precedes centennial, it refers to the number 125. Mathematicians, wordsmiths, lexiconographers (Google it), and linguists love this type of info. Someone suggested we put the word on our church sign for people to ponder as they drive by.

Humor helps. A letter to the bank. Dear Sirs, one of my checks was returned marked “insufficient funds.” In view of current developments in the banking industry, does that refer to me or to you?

Friday, March 13, 2009

Seen A Black Cat Lately?

Friday the thirteenth. I’ve never been superstitious. However, I do knock on wood for good luck (just kidding). I was given a rabbit’s foot one time for good luck. I wondered, if it brings good luck, what went wrong with the poor rabbit that had four of them? I was told a broken mirror brings seven years of bad luck, but throwing a handful of salt over my left (or right?) shoulder brings seven years of good luck. Thus, these two neutralize each other.

I do think it is bad luck to walk under a ladder if there is an open can of paint on it. I don’t step on sidewalk cracks; this keeps me from breaking my mother’s back. Mom is grateful. Yes, superstition is silly. But just in case, I’m right now knocking on wood (just kidding).

Tomorrow morning I offer the dedicatory prayer at the Victory Garden our church members will soon plant. Thanks to the Campbell family for letting this prime piece of dirt be used to help feed people going through a hard time in the economic climate we find ourselves in. When the land was plowed, only one rock was turned up–nothing short of an Ozark miracle. I take it as a harbinger of good things to come. Is that superstitious?

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Mooing Ducks

I spent my day off yesterday with the grandkids. I took 20-month-old Lilly Ruth to the premiere children’s site in all of Missouri, Bass Pro Shops. My grandchildren have always been able to wander in there for hours and enjoy it.

A huge catfish came swimming toward us and suddenly turned up toward the surface. Lilly Ruth said in amazement, “Whale!!” When we saw the ducks, I asked, “What do ducks say?” Without a moment’s hesitation, she replied, “Moo.”

At McDonalds I bought Ian ice cream. I asked if I could have some of his. He said, “Sure,” stuck the tip of his finger in the ice cream, and then held it up for me lick a little off. I could tell he wasn’t keen on sharing much of his ice cream.

At supper, Ian was talking with his mouth full. His dad said, “Don’t talk with your mouth full. I can’t understand you.” As seriously and innocently as possible, he replied, “But, Daddy, I was talking to Grandma, not you.” Unassailable logic.

I cooked 3 turkey patties on our George Foreman grill. I forgot about them. By the time I remembered, I had 3 turkey nuggets. Jake and Millie enjoyed them.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Fred Winters

Fred Winters, the Pastor killed in his pulpit this morning, was my friend. He and I served on the Large Church Roundtable, a group of about twenty Pastors, whose churches are near the size of Second. I visited with him at last week’s meeting. He was telling me about his college days at SBU in Bolivar. While attending there, he came to church at Second. He told me how much he appreciated the investment our church had made in him.

I spoke with him by phone this week on Thursday. We had a wonderful, delightful conversation. That’s the way he was. I am saddened to the point of numbness. I think all of us on the LCR know it could have been any one of us. As Ruth said, she could have come home a widow today. Sad. Please pray for Fred’s widow and two children.

We have top notch security personnel here at Second. A guard is assigned to me at all times. They watch me like a hawk. About a month ago, I had to leave the service to use the restroom. By the time I got out of the auditorium, and reached the bathroom door, three of our security guys were waiting for me. It was a bit of a letdown when I told them I only needed to go to the bathroom. Thanks, guys and gals, I’m more grateful for you today than I have ever been.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Livingstone

Last night I finished MacKenzie’s classic biography of David Livingstone, who is considered by all to be one of the most important men who ever lived. He was a missionary who fought Africa’s East Coast slave trade and almost singlehandedly brought it to an end. He called slavery the open sore of the world. When I read of a life like his, I am deeply moved. To live a life that counts is what counts.

Tonight is First Friday Artwalk. I hope to see you at the Bellwether. It has gained a good reputation in the Springfield arts community for displaying high quality art.

Yesterday I finished this Sunday’s sermon manuscript. Hurray. But wait!! I just looked at my calendar and noticed next week also has a Sunday attached to it. Back to the salt mines I go this morning.

Humor helps. In civics class a girl stated how unfair it was that the President of the USA had to be a natural born citizen. She felt this kept many capable people from being allowed to serve. She ended her argument by saying a natural born citizen isn’t any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section.

Livingstone

Last night I finished MacKenzie’s classic biography of David Livingstone, who is considered by all to be one of the most important men who ever lived. He was a missionary who fought Africa’s East Coast slave trade and almost singlehandedly brought it to an end. He called slavery the open sore of the world. When I read of a life like his, I am deeply moved. To live a life that counts is what counts.

Tonight is First Friday Artwalk. I hope to see you at the Bellwether. It has gained a good reputation in the Springfield arts community for displaying high quality art.

Yesterday I finished this Sunday’s sermon manuscript. Hurray. But wait!! I just looked at my calendar and noticed next week also has a Sunday attached to it. Back to the salt mines I go this morning.

Humor helps. In civics class a girl stated how unfair it was that the President of the USA had to be a natural born citizen. She felt this kept many capable people from being allowed to serve. She ended her argument by saying a natural born citizen isn’t any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Go West, Young Man, Go West!!

Go west, young man! This admonition from John Soule and Horace Greeley over a century and a half ago is being heeded by our very own Teaching Pastor, Ben Pilgreen. In June 2010 his family and at least two other couples will move to San Francisco to start a church in the USA’s least churched city.

The target area is in the city, not the suburbs. It is near the San Francisco Giants baseball stadium, and within close driving distance to Golden Gate Bridge and Golden Gate Seminary.

Second Baptist will work with the North American Mission Board, the California Baptist Convention, and the San Francisco Baptist Association to start the church. Pray God will soon begin sending us partners to share in this God-size task.

This is a project I can give my heart, soul, and mind to. With God’s help, I intend to do all I can to help it succeed. Be praying about what you can do to contribute. All can pray. Many can give. Some can go. I pray God will nudge some of our people to leave the Midwest and move to San Francisco.

Go West, Young Man, Go West!!

Go west, young man! This admonition from John Soule and Horace Greeley over a century and a half ago is being heeded by our very own Teaching Pastor, Ben Pilgreen. In June 2010 his family and at least two other couples will move to San Francisco to start a church in the USA’s least churched city.

The target area is in the city, not the suburbs. It is near the San Francisco Giants baseball stadium, and within close driving distance to Golden Gate Bridge and Golden Gate Seminary.

Second Baptist will work with the North American Mission Board, the California Baptist Convention, and the San Francisco Baptist Association to start the church. Pray God will soon begin sending us partners to share in this God-size task.

This is a project I can give my heart, soul, and mind to. With God’s help, I intend to do all I can to help it succeed. Be praying about what you can do to contribute. All can pray. Many can give. Some can go. I pray God will nudge some of our people to leave the Midwest and move to San Francisco.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Preaching About Money

Yesterday I woke up to snow again!! What’s going on here? I can’t believe it. Please tell the Alabamans among us to quit praying for snow. My daughter said Ian woke her up yesterday morning. He was standing at the back door loudly singing, “Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.”

I decided to have a special breakfast to comfort myself. Ate some cheesecake. Then crumbled two handfuls of potato chips into a cheese dip and salsa mix. Ate six olives to provide a pungent garnish. Oh no! I forgot to eat a kosher dill pickle spear. Sad.

Money is my topic for today’s sermon. It’s a whole new ball game tackling the subject in the midst of a serious Recession. Fortunately, the Bible is timeless and speaks to all economic conditions, good and bad.

Humor helps. When Caleb was six, Jake was brought to the family Christmas gathering. Caleb took Jake home in the family Honda station wagon. He often escaped the back yard. His reward for bad behavior was scraps and bones from Price Cutter. Yum. Jake loves attention. The bigger the crowd, the better. I know what you’re thinking. Like owner like dog. I resemble that remark.